Mass Effect Ultimate Compilation
by JTGTAFN7 Authors
Summary: A collection of authors submitting a collection of fics for a collection of laughs and/or a collection of feels for your collective enjoyment.
1. Nevermore

**Author's Note: This was written by JustAFerret. That is all. Enjoy!**

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Nevermore

Tali fidgeted within the confines of the Normandy's elevator. She couldn't help herself. She was excited, anxious, and nervous all at the same time. She knew she shouldn't be so nervous; Shepard was always there to calm her down and protect her just like he did in her trial. But she couldn't stop thinking that in a matter of minutes, she'd be free from her suit and enjoy her first intimate experience.

They had talked about it for a while, a few days after her trial to be exact. Although they were both more than willing to try it, they had to take time to do research to make things as safe as possible. This would be the first time in Tali's life where she would take off her suit without being in a clean room. She needed to take every possible precaution.

It was hard to believe that this was all happening. If she was told a few weeks ago that Shepard would have the same feelings for her, she would have thought that person was crazy. But when the truth came out after Shepard saved her on Haestrom, Tali had almost fainted. The man she secretly adored for so long felt the same way about her. It was almost like a fairytale. And when the topic of sharing each other came up, she couldn't even believe it. Every little thing she had fantasized about was coming true right before her eyes.

As the days went by, she researched everything she could about human mating. Tali was relieved that it was very similar to quarian mating. She wouldn't run into any awkward situations.

But even if she did, the mere act of taking off her mask and showing her face to Shepard would be enough to make it a memorable night. It was the best time to do it. There weren't any pressing concerns, all of the people from the dossiers were recruited, and best of all the Normandy was on a quick shore leave. Nothing was going to distract either of them from enjoying this night.

The elevator slowed to a halt. Tali's heart was beating faster. The door smoothly opened and Tali gingerly stopped in front of the door. She briefly wondered whether she should knock. Shepard had told her a few times that she didn't need to, but she still respected his privacy. In the end, Tali decided to just open the door and walk in.

Tali took a quick scan of the room and her heart leapt when she saw him sitting on the couch reading a datapad.

_This is it. It's about to happen. _Tali thought eagerly.

She stepped down the small flight of stairs, her hands clasped together. It took all of her willpower not to start wringing them like she always did.

Shepard hadn't noticed her. He was still intently reading his datapad. Tali stepped a little closer and cleared her throat.

"Shepard…?"

Shepard looked up and smiled. He set the datapad aside and stood up, closing the distance between them.

"Tali. What are you doing here?" he asked. Tali felt his warm hands wrapping around hers. She looked up and stared into his eyes. She couldn't help but smile.

"Well…umm…I've done some research. Mordin gave me some antibiotics and I took some herbal supplements to help my immune system." Tali said nervously while playing with his hands. "If you have the time…I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

The corners of Shepard's mouth curled up into a small smile. He rubbed the top of Tali's small three-fingered hands with his thumbs and shook his head.

"Of course not, Tali." He said reassuringly, the smile never leaving his face. Tali tilted her head down but she couldn't break eye contact with him even if she wanted to.

"Sorry. I guess I'm just nervous. It happens a lot. The babbling I mean. Every time it happens I can't seem to stop myself so I just go on and on and on about-"

"Tali." Shepard interrupted. She realized what she was doing and covered her visor with her hands.

"Oh Keelah I just did it, didn't I?" she asked, embarrassed. Shepard pulled her hands away and held them gently in his.

"I don't mind. It's adorable when you're nervous." He said with a smile. But something was off about it; it wasn't genuine. Quarians were easily able to read people's body language to make up for being stuck in their suits. Tali could tell that something was bothering him. Her hands squeezed his to ease his tension.

"What's wrong, Shepard?" Tali asked with concern. Shepard averted his eyes to the ground and played with his feet. After a lengthy pause he finally replied.

"Nothing." He said. Tali knew that was a blatant lie. Even he didn't believe his answer. She knew something was troubling him and she had to find a way to get him to say it.

"Shepard I know something is bothering you. Talk to me, we have all time in the galaxy." She said faintly. Her anxiety and nervousness turned into concern and endearment. Shepard's eyes met hers again. She could see an internal battle raging within him. Her fingers intertwined with his and she led him to his couch. She didn't have much experience in helping someone overcome their issues, but she hoped that the bond between them would be enough to help him open up about it.

Shepard hesitated. He didn't want to burden Tali with his issues. She had enough to worry about without stacking his problems on top of it. But the way she looked at him, with that warm and loving gaze, told him that she would listen no matter what. That she would always be by his side to help him get through these tough times.

He leaned back and pinched his nosebridge. He didn't know where to start. Tali scooted closer and oriented herself so that she was facing him. "Shepard, you've helped me so many times in the past. You've always done more than I asked you too. I owe you so much. So please, let me return the favor."

Shepard couldn't help but smile. She was right. She had never given up on him. Not when they were chasing Saren, not when he joined Cerberus, not when everyone else had abandoned him. Whatever he had to face, she faced it with him without hesitation.

Shepard sat back up and nodded. His opened his mouth the say something, but the words wouldn't form. He looked around the room as if the answer was floating about in his cabin. He felt Tali's gloved hand hold his chin and turned it to face her.

"Do you need some time?" she asked. Shepard looked down at the ground before nodding. Tali returned the gesture and scooted close enough that their legs were touching. She leaned back with him and rested her head on his shoulder. They stayed in a somewhat comfortable silence for what seemed like an hour. Tali slipped her hand in between his and gave them an encouraging squeeze. Shepard closed his eyes and absently stroked Tali's palm. He was lost in thought, trying to find the best possible way to tell her.

Tali's eyes slowly began to close. She relaxed her grip on Shepard's hand and was about to drift into a deep sleep until she heard Shepard's voice.

"Before I joined the Alliance, I lived on a colony out on the traverse. It was on the planet Mindoir and I was with my parents and my sister, Katelyn, there." He said while looking up at the ceiling. Tali's eyes shot open and she sat up to face him. His expression was blank while he continued his story.

"I was 16 at the time. I was on my way home after school…then I heard the colony alarm going off. It only went off when it was being attacked. Batarian slavers were raiding the colony killing, kidnapping, torturing innocent people. When I got home…" Shepard choked. Tali wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him into a warm embrace. Shepard wrapped an arm around her slim waist and continued.

"When I got home, there were three Batarians. They tied up my mom and dad and one of them had Katelyn over his shoulder. They…They took her upstairs and then they started beating me while my parents look on helplessly."

Tali felt a cold chill run down her spine. She couldn't even imagine what that was like. Shepard raised his hand and stroked her arm. She could feel his hand shaking even through the material of her suit.

"That must have been horrible…I know that nothing I say can make it better, but I'm here for you, Shepard." She said. Shepard sighed and nodded appreciatively. His fingers tapped against his thigh as he reined in his emotions. After another minute, he began speaking again.

"When they stopped, I tried to fight back. I tried to free my parents, but those…damn batarians started beating me again." Shepard said with the slightest indignation. Tali could hear the hate in his voice and tried her best to comfort him.

"My dad started kicking at them when they got close. The Batarian that was hitting me stopped and pulled out a pistol. My dad shouted at me to run and hide. I did and the last thing I heard before I ran out the door was two gunshots." He said. He leaned forward and clasped his hands together. He stared down at the floor and let out a shaky sigh. Tali rubbed his back and held his hand. It was hard for her to see him in this much pain. She regretted making him live through it again.

"I'm sorry for bringing this up, Shepard." Tali said with underlying guilt. "I didn't mean to bring up the past again. It was none of my business. I shouldn't have-"

"It's not your fault, Tali. I had to get this out in the open." He said, turning his head towards her with a forced smile. "I managed to hide in the cellar of a neighbor's house. After what seemed like days, an alliance patrol found me. I found out later that-that my entire family was killed."

"Shepard…"

"And the reason I'm like this is because…today is the anniversary of the attack." He said solemnly. There was a period of silence, the only sound being the gentle hum of the Normandy's engines. Neither of them knew what to say. Tali felt like she should be the first, but she couldn't think of anything that could be of any help. Thankfully, Shepard was the one who broke the quiet but not in a comforting way.

"I had nightmares for years. Every day I woke up thinking that I could have saved them, but I didn't because I was too afraid. That's why I joined the Alliance. I hoped that helping other people would make me feel better; that I actually could save someone's life." Shepard explained.

"Did it?"

Shepard looked back down on the floor and shook his head. "No. No it didn't."

Tali was just about to ask him why before he looked at her with a small smile. "Until I met you."

Tali was surprised at his comment, touched even. She couldn't help but blush and before she knew it, her hands were wringing together. Trying to pull herself together, she managed to say, "Why is that?"

"Because I realized that I care about you more than anything else in the galaxy. You are the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing before I fall asleep. I want to protect you, Tali, because you're the only person left that I love, and every time I'm near you I forget about everything else. You make it all bearable and there's no one else that makes me feel that way. " He said sincerely. His hard eyes softened and every word was as sweet as honey. He looked over at the fish tank and gave a breathy chuckle.

Tali put a hand on her chest. She wasn't sure what to say, wasn't sure how to properly reply to something so alluring. So instead, she raised her hands up to her visor and unlocked the seals that held it in place. The slight hissing sound caught Shepard's attention and he turned to face her. He expected to see her familiar purple visor, instead he saw a pretty, youthful face staring back at him with the glistening white eyes he could never stop looking at. Shepard's smile grew bigger with every second that passed. He wasn't expecting her to take off her mask, but he was glad she did. He soaked in every little detail, the pale, smooth skin, her cute and slightly upturned nose, and her dark cheeks; no doubt coming from her furious blushing.

"Wow…" was all Shepard managed to say before Tali's lips collided with his. It started out slow. Tali wasn't sure what to do, but it felt too good to stop. Shepard was frozen from the sudden warm contact but quickly began to return the kiss. Tali let out a soft moan and slid a hand behind his head to keep him in place. She dove deeper into the kiss with every passing second. Her other hand slid underneath his arm and around his back. She pressed herself against him and continued the passionate kiss.

Time turned into a blur. Neither of them knew how much time had passed and neither of them cared. All that mattered was the person in their arms. Shepard reluctantly pulled away and took a deep breath. Tali's eyes showed a flash of disappointment. She leaned her forehead against his and tried to connect with his lips again, but Shepard kept a firm grip on her.

The two made eye contact. Shepard raised his hand and gently stroked Tali's soft cheek. Tali closed her eyes and reveled in the warmth of Shepard's palm.

"Thanks, Tali. For being there for me. I owe you." He said, barely above a whisper. Tali giggled slightly.

"Consider it even. You did help me with my trial after all." She replied, a slight smile tugging at the corners of her lips. Shepard smiled and gave her a quick peck.

"That I did. So…even?" Shepard pulled away, taking her hands in his. A mischievous grin played across Tali's face. In many ways, it reminded Shepard of her energetic and childlike enthusiasm two years ago.

_How times have changed._

Tali giggled again, bringing him out of his thoughts. "For now. At least until I inevitably save your life later."

Shepard arced an eyebrow and pulled Tali closer to him, eliciting a tiny squeal from her. "We'll see. After all, remember when we met?"

Tali snaked her arms around his neck and drew him as close as possible. It felt like a warm aura passed from him to her. A firm but gentle hand rubbed her back. Shepard inwardly smirked. A dreamy smile was etched on Tali's face. Shepard wasn't sure what to expect when her mask came off, but as he admired every little detail, he realized that she was the most gorgeous person he had ever met.

"I do. I remember that I took care of most of Fist's thugs." She declared. Shepard released an airy laugh and kissed her forehead. Tali sighed and nuzzled under his chin, enjoying the pleasant warmth radiating from his soft skin. Shepard's arms wrapped around her like a blanket, cradling her in a loving embrace. This wonderful woman had stuck by him from the very beginning. She had done more for him than anyone else and he couldn't even begin to express how grateful he was for that.

But for now, he could just lay back and enjoy this small moment of comfort. More than anything else, he just wanted to, for once in his life, relax without worry. With Tali by his side, such an impossible task for someone like him seemed within reach, if only for a while.

Tali's soft breathing brought him back to reality. Her eyes were closed and her body leaned against his for support. Shepard let a small smile play on his face before resting his head against hers. All the bad memories of the world wouldn't be enough to ruin this moment for him. Not even the terrible attack that changed the course of his life.

For now, sleep called out to him and he was all too happy to oblige; especially when he held the best thing in his life in his arms.


	2. The Drinking Lord of the Normandy

**Yes, this is out later than intended. Is it still out within the month, hell yeah it is. That being said sit back and enjoy The Drinking Lord of the Normandy by Starspike7... ROAD HOUSE!**

Garrus shook his head, "No way am I having a drinking war with Zaeed."

The ladies all began to giggle to one another until Kasumi whispered something and quieted them down. The she stepped forward and spoke, "Okay, we came up with a solution. Whoever drinks the most gets a kiss from Shepard."

"Kasumi," Shepard gawked with happy surprise.

Zaeed took a seat at the ship's mess table and set a cup down in front of him, "Well, I ain't one for sentimental value but I want to see the look on Garrus' face when I kiss his girl."

Garrus rolled his eyes, "Please, I'm not being bated into drinking myself into a two day hangover for a kiss."

Another chair was pulled out and Jacob took the seat, "Count me in, only to show up Zaeed."

Zaeed put his hands behind his head and laughed to himself at Jacob's remark. Garrus looked around the room and saw Mordin holding back Chakwas from stepping in and stopping the whole thing. Jacob cracked his knuckles in anticipation. Everyone was waiting for Garrus to sit and get in on it but he didn't move.

Everyone was quiet for several seconds until Jack sat down with her mug, "I can't let you fuckers have all the fun. Plus, with Vakarian being a complete wuss, someone has to step up."

For some reason, Jack's comment got to Garrus and he had had enough. Garrus marched over to the kitchen and pulled a mug for himself out of the cupboard and made sure to sit down at the head of the table. Garrus slammed his mug down and everyone saw the fire in his eyes.

"I'm in; just don't bitch tomorrow when you wake up under the table."

Everyone made a mock cheer; even Zaeed pounded the table in approval. This only helped make Garrus angrier and he gave an annoyed smile to them all. The look in his eyes showed nothing but crazy determination.

Shepard waved over to Gardner and he began preparing a swarm of drinks. Garrus and the others began eyeing each other. Garrus saw Jacob going down in 5, maybe 8. Jack would be out at near 9. His real competition would be Zaeed, the bastard was old with a lifetime of drinking behind him.

Miranda came from the kitchen holding the first bottle. She poured everyone but Garrus a glass. Then Shepard came with the dextro alcohol and poured him a glass. Jacob began inspecting his alcohol while everyone waited for the go. Zaeed caught him and spoke first.

"This is heavy drinking boy. Not a wine tasting."

Jacob sat his glass down and crossed his arms, "Shows what you know, a guy almost got me to drink Dextro alcohol once. Since that I check all my drinks."

Jack laughed, "If you're tough enough, nothing will kill you."

Garrus decided to get his two cents in and drop their morale, "Yeah, I remember a Krogan daring me to drink Levo alcohol. Needless to say, I did end up seeing it come back up. Then I dared him to do the same with Dextro, they were mopping him up in a bucket before an hour had passed."

Jack laughed but it wasn't her cocky laugh, it was more of a laugh you did when you were nervous. Garrus picked his glass up and made a toasting motion toward Jack and Jacob. Then, he downed the entire glass in one gulp.

Jacob and Jack quickly picked their glasses up and downed them like they were in a race. Zaeed on the other hand drank his in long slow gulps. When he was done he looked at everyone and then over to Shepard.

"I hope you like to enjoy the little things cause I like to enjoy every second of life."

Shepard gave a scared laugh and refilled Garrus's glass. Once his glass was full Miranda went around and filled everyone's up again. Everyone downed their glasses as soon as there were poured and were already for their next round Shepard was only pouring for one so she still had a whole bottle but the levos needed a new bottle.

Thane brought the bottle up and poured Zaeed a new glass. Thane then poured a glass for Jacob, Jacob thanked Thane and waved him off when his glass was full enough. Thane then moved around Jacob and began pouring Jack a glass.

Jack smacked Thanes ass and spoke, "Thanks waiter, now how's about you give me a kiss."

Thane's eyes got wide in surprise and disgust then went back to normal, "No thank you Jack. After all, if I did you would begin to hallucinate. My body fluids are narcotics for your species."

Jack grabbed Thane by the shoulder and tried to kiss him, "C'mon Krios, just one kiss."

Zaeed had already finished his glass and gotten tired of Jack, "If you're so damn eager to get high, why not just have him spit in your glass?"

Jack smacked Thane on the back, "Yeah, do that Krios. Let's see it."

Thane closed his eyes and recomposed himself, he took a deep breath and then leaned over and hocked one into Jack's glass. Jack took it and swished the glass around and drank it all. She then sat back in her seat like nothing had happened and looked good doing it. At least, that's what she thought.

In reality Jack took the drink and began to foam at the mouth and snot shot from her gasping nose. Her eyes grew wide and her pulps dilated. Jack began violently convulsing and shivering until she fell to the floor and passed out. Chakwas immediately ran over and began checking her.

Zaeed had a smug smile on his face, "What's wrong doc? Don't tell me it was the liquor."

Chakwas shot Zaeed a glare and then scanned Jack with her omnitool, "Jack may be suffering from an allergic reaction to the Drell fluids. I need to get her in the medbay now."

Without another word Ken and Gabby stepped over from the group of people watching it and grabbed Jack. They all hauled her into the medbay and went out of site. Immediately Garrus shot Zaeed a look.

"This isn't over, is it Zaeed?"

Zaeed smiled and held his glass up, "Not 'til I'm macking on your girl Vakarian."

Garrus gripped his glass a little tighter. He wasn't going to let the old fart win. He was Garrus "Archangel" Vakarian. Nobody, not even the slime veteran of Omega can beat him.

Shepard poured him another glass and Thane did the same for Jacob and Zaeed. As soon as Garrus's glass was full he downed it before Thane even poured all of Jacob's glass. Zaeed raised an eyebrow, knowing he got under Garrus's skin; or better to say plates. Once Thane finished his glass he toasted to Garrus and drank his drink slowly.

Garrus wanted this to be over already, not because he didn't want to drink but he had something for someone that he didn't want to wait for. Garrus thought to himself and went into an autopilot as the drinks just continued to come.

They hit 10 and Jacob was still in the contest. Garrus had to give the guy props for staying in this long but it made him curse himself for underestimating him. Garrus had to get the guy out along with Zaeed. There was only one way to do it.

"What do you say we go into a lightening round from here? First to ten drinks wins."

Jacob smiled, "I'm in."

Zaeed pointed over to Jacob, "What he said."

Garrus raised an eyebrow to Zaeed, the old man was already having troubles. Garrus began to get confused. Sure he messed up with Jacob but Zaeed too. That was unacceptable, as a sniper he needed to be able to know his opponent at a glance. 0 for two was just unacceptable.

Garrus looked down and saw three full glasses in front of him. He had spent too much time thinking to himself. The lightening round had already started. Garrus quickly picked up his first drink and began drinking.

Garrus finished it and set the glass upside down on the table and picked up his next one. Garrus began guzzling the drink in a panic. He did not want to lose this, even if it kills him. Garrus finished his second glass and did the same as he did with the first.

Garrus just continued to down glasses, fighting the urge to look at James and Zaeed's progress. Garrus just drank and focused on the crowd around him. He heard people cheering his name and some yelling curses at him too. He must be upsetting some betters for sure.

Garrus got to his fifth glass and he lost his ability to hear. At this point he had become a machine just continuing to drink took all of his concentration. The quiet didn't stop him or mess him up. He could completely focus in the quiet; it was his saving grace in the lightening round. He was able to keep telling himself that Jacob was ahead of him and he needed to catch up.

Garrus didn't even flip the glass over this time. He just threw it off to the side and grabbed the next drink. He went from big gulps to short stuttered gulps and knew he was almost done but he just pushed himself. He finished his sixth glass and threw it too.

His seventh glass tasted blander then the last one and he realized that he had lost his ability to taste. Garrus realized that he was literally killing himself. He couldn't hear or taste, he would have to pray that his body held out till the drinks ran out. With that though, Garrus let his seventh glass just fall and he grabbed his eighth and continued.

Garrus drank his eighth drink as fast as possible. He felt something splash on him but that made him drink faster. Garrus felt his fingers going numb and soon he couldn't feel the glass in his hand. Garrus knew there wasn't anything left to drink when he gulped and felt nothing go down.

Garrus dropped the glass to the side and grabbed drink number nine. At this point Garrus couldn't feel anything and he had to open his eyes and rely on sight. He watched the glass go down until it got to the bottom. Garrus dropped that glass and picked up his tenth.

Garrus began drinking the final drink, but it felt like a two litter bottle rather than a glass. Garrus swallowed gulp after gulp and his eyesight slowly darkened but he didn't stop. Slowly, dark circles creeped from the side of his eyes toward his pulps. With every drink Garrus took the circles moved closer. Garrus took one last long gulp and managed not to lose his eyesight.

Garrus breathed a sigh and held the glass in front of him. He flipped it over and placed it top down on the table. As soon as it happened Garrus saw movement all around his now blurring vision. He figured that he must have won and gave a smile of triumph.

Garrus began slipping away with that smile. He gladly welcomed a coma after what he just went through. Slowly he began to drift off and go to sleep.

Suddenly, his peace was interrupted by a slap to the back. Garrus immediately regained all of his senses and got a good look at what happened. He saw Zaeed passed out with six empty glasses in front of him. Garrus then let his eyes drift over to Jacob who was the same as Zaeed with seven empty glasses.

Garrus smiled at how things had turned out, and then he realized he won. Garrus got up and stumbled over to Shepard who was laughing with the other women. He grabbed her shoulders and spun her around. Without a word Garrus brought her in close and planted one right on her lips.

The crew whooped and hollered at Garrus's success. He let Shepard go and raised his hands up in triumph. He was the undisputed heavy drinker of the Normandy.

Now at this point Garrus would tell me to stop and put a gun to my head if I went any farther. Only thing is, Garrus isn't here. So the story continues.

Garrus enjoyed the cheers of the crew as he stood there. Garrus let his hands fall to the side as he began to walk when his body gave out. His legs shook and his knees caved. He fell forward only to be caught by Grunt who happened to be nearby.

Grunt raised an eyebrow at Garrus, "Grow a quad Garrus, I drink more than that in the morning."

Garrus opened his mouth to retort but instead felt stomach fluids come up in the place of words. He covered Grunt in partially digested food and alcohol, then went limp. Grunt got angry and got ready to throw Garrus across the room but slipped on the stomach fluids and fell to the floor.

I hope you enjoyed the greatest tale of all, The Tale of The Drinking Lord of the Normandy.


End file.
